Critique: Film> Reviews.

"Who the Hell do you think you are?" screams an LA County Deputy at Sylvester Stallone in the opening scene of Andrei Konchalovsky's buddy-cop action-comedy. "He thinks he's Rambo!" another Deputy intervenes. "Rambo," however, "is a pussy," and Sly doesn't want to be a pussy.

In case you were somehow unaware that Stallone played the one man wrecking machine, John Rambo, at his prime in the 1980s, you would have missed the joke here. For everyone else, the sight of Stallone wearing glasses and an Armani suit, acting a dick by poking fun at his main source of income (besides Rocky) is quite hilarious. Well, I thought so anyway...

Ray Tango (Stallone's character) is portrayed as wealthy and intelligent; while Gabe Cash, his soon-to-be-partner, (Russell) is seen as the scruffy, cocky one of the two. (Did I just say 'cocky'? That's two references to the male sex organ in the last two paragraphs. Slightly weird.) Both cops are well-respected by the LAPD for bringing down some of the city's biggest criminals, yet they still compete with one another regularly to see who gets the biggest news headline of the week.

After exchanging various insults and wisecracks, the pair are soon set up for murder by criminal mastermind Yves Perret (Jack Palance) and sent to prison. Here, they are tortured by the criminal inmates that they put behind bars years earlier, and, worse, they have to put up with one another's company in the shower. Actually I'll rephrase that: These guys love seeing each others' naked bodies in the shower, so much so that the running gag throughout the film involves the size of one another's manhood.

As you may have already noticed, there has been a lot of talk about the male genitalia in this review already. That's probably because there are so many homosexual innuendos in Tango & Cash that the shaft and balls image becomes implanted into your mind for quite some time after watching. But I am trying to keep my in-depth analysis of the gay subtext for a separate article; otherwise I may be here all night discussing scrotums and penises -- something I really don’t want to do (sorry, gay friends).

Back to the plot, and, of course, the "couple" manage to escape from prison, take revenge on Perret and clear their names all rather quickly -- and all rather predictable, eh?

Yes, but Andrei Konchalovsky's film does have some appealing aspects (and no, I'm not talking about Sly Stallone's penis. Jeez) The dialogue, for one -- as idiotic as it is -- is entertaining. Stallone and Russell have a good amount of on-screen chemistry, bouncing insults off one another, which keeps the film moving along at a frenetic pace. Some might say the actors look as if they're really having ball. (Oh dear.)

With plenty of over-the-top action sequences, you could hardly blame them, either. Tango & Cash is a mindless macho flick with some impressive stunt work: There's plenty of big explosions, blazing guns and good old-fashioned fist fights, all which are accompanied by a catchy score from Harold Faltermeyer (Beverley Hills Cop).

Of course, the easiest thing the bad guy Perret could've done was shoot Tango and Cash each in the head to make things easier for himself -- but then we wouldn't have had a movie. For the majority of people looking for some substance here, that wouldn't have been any great loss. On the flip side, however, Tango & Cash is enough of an macho action-fantasy that it will entertain any man with a big pair of balls between his legs.

Hell, no use trying to avoid the subject of male genitalia anymore -- TANGO & CASH IS THE GAYEST MOVIE EVER MADE. There, I said it. Happy now?

(C) Andy Carrington, 2009.