Critique: Film> Reviews.

"I see you found my trophy room, Dalton? The only thing that's missing... is your ass!"

-- Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara)

If the above image isn't that much of a clue, then I'll start by saying Road House is probably the single most gayest movie of the 1980s that I've seen. Homoeroticism was the thing back then, of course, and I'm not ashamed to say I loved every minute of Patrick Swayze's flaunted machoism right down to his trim naked white arse cheeks (*said in a rather high-pitched tone of voice*).

Swayze, who women (and men) found steamingly-hot in the '80s, plays the legendary bouncer Dalton, a badass with a feared reputation after supposably ripping a guy's throat out with his bare hands. Not only that, but he's prone to getting stabbed without even flinching ("pain don't hurt," he says to the nurse), likes wearing trendy muscle shirts and stone wash denim, has a puffy white man's mullet, and carries his medical file around with him just because he can. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that he has a degree in Philosophy from New York City University (he's no dumb action hero, you know).

Dalton is offered a job cleaning up the white trash in the rowdy bar "Double Deuce", just outside of Kansas City. He strolls into the place and soon enough fists start getting thrown, bottles are smashed, and extra large female breasts start wobbling for money. Dalton, being the cool guy that he is, just leans back on the bar and smirks, sipping his cup of coffee, taking everything in so calmly. He eventually decides to take the job, declaring "It's my way or the highwayman," to existing staff members, which results in one of the barmen being fired. This pisses off the town’s rich bully Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara), prompting numerous over-the-top fight scenes involving ripped, sweaty male bodies (the tension is so high in these that even heterosexuals shouldn’t be ashamed to say that they enjoy).

In truth, I laughed at Road House a lot more times than I did when I was submitted (against my will) to watch a string of so-called comedies starring the likes of Ben Stiller and Will Ferrell, recently. Whether or not Road House intended to be funny or not, it really doesn't matter... because it just is. Classic fighting talk such as "Prepare to die" and "You're such an asshole,” as well as typical perverted male responses such as "that girl has way too many brains to have an ass like that," should go down in the so-bad-their-hilarious record book.

Chauvinistic and dumb this film may be, overall, but, to me, it's spectacularly chauvinistic and dumb -- and I like it, God damn it.

(C) Andy Carrington, 2009.