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Having recently begun to notice how much I (unintentionally) touch upon how bad this movie is in some of my other film reviews, I've come to the conclusion that it's probably about time I vented my frustrations fully. Before I do some serious damage to myself.

So, "Aliens Vs. Predator": Sounds great, doesn't it? Two of the greatest extraterrestrial beings from two of the greatest Sci-Fi franchises finally get to meet, face-to-face -- in one movie! Geeks the world over have been anticipating this crossover ever since they read the Dark Horse comics and caught a glimpse of the Xenomorph's skull at the back of the ship in Predator 2. Mouths are drooling whilst manhoods are twitching, from all the excitement. This movie is going to be better than any porn they've ever come across, surely?

Or not. Simply put, I'd rather have a red hot poker stuffed down my urethra than ever watch this steaming pile of crap again (I'm not joking, either).

I mean, Alien Resurrection was bad, but AVP is even below that level. The characters are lame, the acting is cringeworthy, and the PG rating is just part of a pathetic attempt to persuade younger audiences to hit the cinema and make some more money for the corporate whores at the top of the FOX network. With very little violence and gore, even the much anticipated alien vs. predator fight is a huge disappointment.

The main problem with AVP is it's considerably lacking in suspense. As we are forced to sit through the human characters' pyramid explorations, awaiting first glimpse of the aliens and predators, there's no real anticipation or excitement, on our behalf, for the battle that is about to take place. The pacing is rushed, and the action scenes are uneventful and cheap-looking. For all the money spent (production budget was reportably $60 million), there's very little evidence of it here.

Director Paul Anderson shows the immaturity of a six-year-old in his poor handling of bringing two of the greatest Sci-Fi franchises together, on one screen. He seems to have stripped away everything people (myself included) loved about the Alien and Predator franchises within the space of one hour and forty minutes. Things just aren't scary or thrilling, and it's damn well frustrating to watch.

The only ever-so-slightly saving grace is the potential within the film's storyline. It is concerned with Billionaire Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen, Aliens) leading a group of archaeologists into the depths of the Antarctic to discover the ruins of an ancient pyramid temple. This is a hunting ground for the Predators, who kill Aliens in order to develop their statuses as warriors.

It's just a shame that the film's execution is so bad that we couldn't really give a damn about this at the time of watching. All in all, AVP comes across as an utterly soulless, utterly pointless movie.

And on a final note, another reason to hate AVP would be the small issue of the Alien 5 project now being completely dead and buried ever since this film was given the green light to be made. Talk about a kick in the teeth.

You see, this is why no one likes you, Mr. Anderson.

(C) Andy Carrington, 2009.